Pregnant... hope, that is

Her story was so similar to mine, even though she is much younger. She has a certain gentleness that I did not recognize right away, did not realize was born of her grief. It came to light in class one day, as we were discussing the moral issues surrounding reproductive technologies such as surrogate motherhood. Suddenly we were linked, joined together in the sorrowful sisterhood of women who desire but cannot have children of our own bodies.

Pregnancy and motherhood are integral parts of Advent and the Christmas story. The scripture readings this week have been about Elizabeth, the barren woman who becomes miraculously pregnant; Hannah, the barren women who pleaded with God and becomes the mother of Samuel; and Mary, the young virgin who becomes miraculously pregnant and will give birth to the Son of God.

All this longing, all this expectation, all this... pregnancy! Yet even those of us who never carried a child inside (which includes all the males of the species) can understand this; we all have hopes and expectations.

It is Christmas Eve; soon we will celebrate the birth of Jesus. It has been a difficult autumn, and I am deeply in need of celebration! I need my Christian family, I need candles, incense, music, prayer. I need worship! I need hope; I need to remember that longings do get fulfilled, that they will be fulfilled.

Expectant Mary - waiting in hope for the coming Savior

Talking about infertility in class this fall brought me to a surprising realization: my own empty womb has been a gift. It is a gift because it has forced me to struggle, to not take life for granted, and because it helps me to understand the suffering of others. It makes me deeply human. 

Yet the inability to get pregnant does not have to mean actual "infertility."  The biological emptiness often yields many different kinds of fruit. I think of the friends who’s journey of infertility led to the gift of five (five!) adopted children. Or the childless classmate who devotes herself to helping teens. Or my own clumsy attempts to bless the children born of others, including the precious daughters brought to me by my husband.

I have been reminded again this Advent about longing, about expectant hope, and about fulfillment. I have learned once more that sorrow is a preparation for joy. My stress has been high, and so my longing has been deep. I will celebrate Christmas with all my heart! And I will keep longing for Jesus’ return with a pregnant, joyful hope.