Love, Pray

One of the themes of Lent is prayer. Prayer has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Yet the idea of prayer has also always had some degree of guilt for me. Although I think I might pray more often throughout the day than many people, the guilt I have is around structured prayer time.

I was raised with the expectation that every Christian should have a "quiet time" - some time (preferably in the morning) when you spend a few minutes or more with God in prayer. I tried. It never really "took" for me - I couldn't think of what to say, or I never found a devotional book I liked, or my mind would wander. I hated to admit that I didn't do it, though, because it seemed so important (thus the guilt).

Then there was "intercession," people who would talk about praying for hours in the night, or who would get together for long, intense prayer sessions. Tried; couldn't do that either. I did much better with night devotions, a quick reading from a devotional book and a "good night God" type prayer. I am also pretty good at a simple morning offering, short spontaneous prayers throughout the day, or prayers for individuals who request it. But structured prayer times, where you sit down with the express purpose of praying for more than 30 seconds? That has always been difficult for me.

So for Lent I decided that I wanted to try to pray Evening Prayer on a regular basis (that's part of the Liturgy of the Hours, which is mostly praying the Psalms). I had gotten fairly regular with Morning Prayer, at least on the days when I am at home, but thought Lent would be the motivation I needed to add more. Instead, what has happened so far is that not only have I not done well with adding EP, but I have virtually stopped MP as well. Sigh.

Discovering this suggests to me that I am susceptible to using Lent as a personal challenge instead of a spiritual journey. By coming up with too many "must do" actions on my list, it turned prayer from an act of love into a duty, and I instinctively backed off.

I knew there might be some danger in my ambitious list, even as I developed my plan to love better. But it has taken a couple of weeks for me to discover it. I need to spend some time thoughtfully considering how I can make both structured and unstructured prayer times become part of the natural rhythm of my days, like breathing, instead of simply proving to myself I can do it. I think I need to grow in the kind of love that leads me to prayer.