On the Edge of Weakness

Part of living is learning how fragile we really are. As time goes on we have plenty of opportunities to discover that joy can be shattered in an instant, especially through injury or the diagnosis of critical illness.

As we drove to our weekend class yesterday I was thinking about being fairly content right now, enjoying Lent and this blog, and life in general being good. At the same time we were discussing the plight of our middle daughter, who is single, works full-time, has no health insurance, and just twisted her ankle - badly. It made me consider whether I really was truly content - you know, content in the Lord, the kind of contentment that can’t be shaken - or just circumstantially content. I hoped I had lived long enough to have moved at least a little toward “truly content.”

That very night (last night) I could not sleep. No big reason - no troubling thoughts, no illness, no major pain, I wasn’t too hot nor too cold - just couldn’t sleep. We were not at home, and that can make a difference, but I’ve slept well on the road before. 

As I lay awake I thought about how much we depend on a good night’s sleep to get through each day. I tried not to worry but was tempted to get anxious about how difficult it would be to sit through six hours of class the next day without enough sleep. Finally I decided that since I have been having a hard time with my determination to pray more during Lent, I would just thank God for the opportunity and use that time to pray. I interceded for the people of Japan. I prayed for friends and family that are traveling and those who are missionaries. I prayed for our children. I fell asleep.

Writing about C.S. Lewis and how we must fail in order to know our need for God has helped me to recognize that Lent has a great deal to do with my becoming empty. Not being able to sleep was for me an emptying experience. “God, I cannot sleep, and I feel my frailty and my need for sleep, but I give this time to you: make it worth something.” 

Was I tired today? Yes. Did I survive class? Yes. Was praying worth losing sleep? I would have to say yes.

I share this not because I am so strong (if I was really spiritual I would have gotten up to pray instead of snuggling down and hoping sleep would come!) but to share that I live on the edge of weakness all the time. My hope is that during this Lent I learn how to let my weakness be a space for God.